Waiting. Silence. These are difficult words for me. I am experiencing them in thick servings this year. Waiting on God to show us where He would have our family for this next season really caused me to squirm. I know—God is faithful. He has never left us without provision—but I have twisted, complained, and even doubted His goodness at points in this journey—along with the praising, believing, and hoping.
Saturday. Sabbath. Jesus in the tomb.
His disciples witnessed him raise people from the dead—calm the sea—cast out demons—restore sight—multiply food. But this Saturday there was darkness. Silence. Mourning. Grief.
I wonder if any of them thought about the miracles at this moment. I sometimes forget to celebrate and remember all the “miracles” in my life. Like when I thought I had cancer and I didn’t… or when Kavin was born and almost died, but God saved him… or like last summer when we were hard pressed for rent money and I had been looking for work for more than two months—nothing—God provided help through generous people and the best job in His timing. But then there was the time dad died when I begged God to save him. His silence ended with “no.” Maybe that is why silence is so hard. We don’t know how it will end.
And this season of silence for a ministry job for Jason is spoken: one-year pastoral residency in Fort Worth. I praise God for His provision—and a couple days later see the darkness of all the unknowns and mourn the losses. Living in an apartment again—how long? Leaving our church and neighbors? Will we find a scholarship for Kavin to go to school? What will we do with Judah while I am in class? How will we make it on a modest income while paying off student loans for this year? Will God open opportunities for work when I launch my new blog? How can I make the time for that? Will we make new friends? What will happen with Kavin’s health?—and the list of questions can spiral me into darkness.
[focus_color]I need to remember His miracles and His promises.[/focus_color] Of course He has done great things. We can look back and see, the longer with live for Him, the trail of goodness and faithfulness.
But there are still dark days. When blackness drapes heavy and there seems only to be—silence.
Habakuk 1:2a How long, LORD, must I call for help,but you do not listen?
God listens, but sometimes He waits in silence. And in my waiting I learn to lean in to Him. Like when I am watching a movie with my boys and my youngest, Judah, says, “Bad guy!” And holds on me, burrows his head in my chest, but keeps peaking. I too run to Jesus to hold on in the scary parts.
I ask Him, “How long?” Sometimes He is silent. But God says He is with us (Matthew 28:20). He will make our path straight as we trust in Him (Proverbs 3:5-6). And He has a perfect plan (Romans 12:1-3).
Are you facing any waiting in the darkness? Let’s both remember the miracles of the past and hold on to Him because we know He is faithful, even when He seems silent.