On April 2, 2010 Kavin entered the world through an emergency caesarean. Immediately the docs swooped away my sweet boy. In the post operating room a guy in a white coat said a blur of words: hole—diaphragm—can’t breath—lungs—may not live—emergency—surgery—transport—will know more later. After carrying this life inside of me for nine months, my arms and womb lay empty. Three dark days passed as I waited to be discharged from the hospital.
It felt like my heart twisted and turned in pain. God’s goodness and plan hid in the shadows of fear and disappointment. In just a few moments, I pondered the crossroad of my faith. Three paths presented themselves. 1) Question God and stay mad at Him. 2) Stop believing. 3) Trust. The despair of possibly loosing my son catapulted me to fall at the throne of grace and weep. “Dear, God! Please save my son! Dear, God! Please save my son.”
I chose to trust God and that made all the difference.
Once I arrived to his boxed-in bed, I stood helpless as I watched him writhe in pain and silently cry with tubes down his throat.
They explained to us the severity of the situation. His intestines pushed into his lung cavity. Some of these babies don’t ever gain strength enough for surgery or suffer infections—all sorts of negative possibilities thrown at us in “preparation” for Kavin’s big day: Surgery on Monday, April 12.
God Carried Us Through The Painful Journey
1) Through His Word. He constantly led me and Jason, my husband, to scriptures.
- Isaiah 42:5- the Lord is the One who gives breath to every person who walks the earth. He CAN give breath to my son.
- Romans 8:28- He causes all things (even sickness) to work together for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to His purpose.
- Psalm 32:7- “The Lord is my hiding place; He surrounds me with songs of deliverance.”
- Psalm 27:1, 13-14- “The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the defense of my life (and Kavin’s). Whom shall I dread? I would have despaired unless I believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”
- The night before his surgery, I opened the Bible to Psalm 86:16. “Turn to me, and be gracious to me; Oh grant Your strength to Your servant, And save the son of Your handmaid.” The words of King David leapt off the page. The Lord heard my prayer to save my son–and I believed He would.
2) Through Signs of His Presence. He constantly sent us little signposts along the way.
- The NICU transport nurse is friends with my mentor and read a text message to pray for baby Kavin WHILE SHE WAS TRANSPORTING HIM!
- God provided a way for us to stay a few short blocks away from the hospital almost the whole month Kavin healed there.
- We received a free parking pass for the hospital that saved us hundreds of dollars in fees.
- The nurse attending Kavin the day of his surgery was named Grace.
- I met a mom in the mother’s pumping room (to keep up milk supply) who had a scripture written on her arm, the same scripture I read that morning!
3) Through Encouragement from Others.
- A testimony. I overheard a lady in the waiting room talk about her grandchild who was born with a hole in his diaphragm. She testified to me how he is okay and growing just fine years later; and that Jesus Christ sustained his life.
- Community. Friends and family poured in to show support and help us financially. Some showed up for encouragement at the hospital and others even cleaned my house!
- Prayer. A friend set-up a Facebook prayer page and we received hundreds of posts.
Surrendering is Hard
Surrendering and trusting God is a simple thought, but a difficult process. It means surrendering our dreams, our plans, our hopes, and trusting that no matter what comes or is taken away, God is on the throne and knows. That anything He allows will be used for His glory and fame.
One day in the NICU mother’s room, I sat using the breast pump crying and crying. I wanted out. I wanted to be home with my son. I thought it is not fair or right. Why me? Then the song popped in my head, and once again I chose to trust as I sang, “I surrender all. I surrender all. All to You my precious Savior, I surrender all.” I could do nothing but abandon my faith or trust.
Pain in This World Is Difficult to Understand
Sometimes my heart asks, “If God sees all the pain in the world, why doesn’t He stop it?” This is a timeless question. The reality is, He will stop it all when he comes back, but for now we live in a world affected by sin—where little babies arrive with complications—and mothers lament over lost children.
Kavin’s life taught me the extent sin influences our fallen world. Not that Kavin’s sickness resulted from my sin, but that in this world the very presence of sin brought catastrophes of all kinds, including sickness and disease.
Isaiah 65 describes the new heavens and new earth when Christ returns. It says, “no longer will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days.” This is the way it was before the fall. This is the way it is meant to be; children living and thriving. I look forward to every child living when Christ returns.
God Changed Me
Trials are bitter-sweet. I am a different person than before April 2, 2010. I know God deeper, I trust Him more fully, I see the value in others more clearly, and my relationship with my husband strengthened.
However, I still would not choose the pain, the struggle, the fear, or the loss. Like the pruning shears, Kavin’s sickness cultivated a heart ready to bear more fruit than before; ready to serve Christ more fully. That is the sweet result of walking with Jesus THROUGH trials like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (Daniel 3).
God Saved Kavin
Kavin sailed through surgery and healed at miraculous speed. Although a month in the hospital seems like a short time on this side of the spectrum, every day seemed so long, living in the tension of the unknown.
On May 5, 2010 we welcomed Kavin home. As we walked down the halls of the NICU with Kavin in our arms, nurses commented on the miracle of Kavin’s life. “WOW! He healed so quickly! Your prayers really worked,” one nurse said as she congratulated us. The entire staff witnessed our faith as we sang and prayed over Kavin day in and day out. I responded, “It is not the power of my prayers that healed him, but who we pray to. Jesus healed him.” I am sure of that.
We All Will Face Trials
Following Christ does not SAVE us from trouble, but secures us to be able to endure all things with hope, peace, and comfort. He told us, “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) We still have to walk through the fire, but just like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, He is right there with us in the midst of the heat (Daniel 3).
How is Kavin Now?
We continue to have various trials with Kavin’s health and development. Steroid withdrawal after four years of use, eczema, lung issues, scoliosis, and attention and behavior struggles. God continues to guide us through the valleys as He: leads us in His Word, shows us signs of His presence, and encourages us through others.
Even with the challenges, Kavin is my beacon of hope, my testimony of God’s power, and my little warrior I pray some day will be used to slay the enemy’s work and lead others to the Lord.
How about you? How have you seen God help you through a hard time? You can leave a comment by clicking here.